Why is it that I feel more comfortable with almost strangers, then people I've known for years? Less judging- less pressure. More freedom, within its limits. Why is it I've been able to talk to boys lately, but not my girls?
I had an amazing night last night- I went to a local band show with my friends Graeme and Aaron. We were so casual, I lit things on fire and realised I was a pyro. We made really lame jokes, one about aaron dating a sheep, and just talked the night away. Teasing each other.
I feel way too comfortable curling up with my guy friends. Its probably not a good thing.
Fuck it.
Pat came over today, and I didnt realise I worry him so much. I need to shape up majorly.
Danielle and I better do something akward tommorow- I need a girl day. I love hanging with the boys a bit too much, and I havent seen her in ages.
What on earth is the Teenage Summer doing to me? Im loosing all my former ways, and Im starting to like it.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Ghost stories and nosebleeds
Around 24 hours ago, I was in a good place. Or I think I was. Wriggled up on a bed in a dorm room, with around 16 other people, talking about everything and anything thtat popped into our heads. The thunder and lightning was intense as Shawn and Penny told ghost stories, and the giggles and mix ups were superb during chinese telephone ("I want your grandmother to dunk her balls in my oriental salad"), the dumb nicknames ("Youre such a bum touch/ crotch sock/ dill hole/ mosseknuckle/ flum de slutnutch"). Nights like this should happen more often. That is what the teenage summer is all about.
I think the teenage summer needs to get back on track- I want my purple hair, my beach days- hell, I want my friends. My real friends. I want stupid jokes back. I want another 10 pm subway run with dirty jokes over everyones sub. I want to rewind and live it again.
Ok, so the teenage summer plan has no rule saying everything has to be perverted, but when you meet a group of strangers, all the same things in common and interest, you feel at home. For the last 4, 5 days, those people were my home. The only thing I fear, besides Pennys ghost stories, is that I may have pushed one of the people, wh o I consider one of the most important people there, and currently I think in my life, away. I'm not ready to let go.
My nose is bleeding for the first time in ages- a cause of thinking to hard and scratching at an itch too long. I remeber the days wheen the biggest worry you had was a nose bleed- now its more about friendships. I test mine a little, but apparently not enough. I want to make sure who Im with is there to stay. And the people I want to stay, arent always staying lately. I just don't feel ready to move on.
Shawn says that ghosts are just energies left over, trying to find a way to move on. But in all reality, isnt that all we are, alive?
I think the teenage summer needs to get back on track- I want my purple hair, my beach days- hell, I want my friends. My real friends. I want stupid jokes back. I want another 10 pm subway run with dirty jokes over everyones sub. I want to rewind and live it again.
Ok, so the teenage summer plan has no rule saying everything has to be perverted, but when you meet a group of strangers, all the same things in common and interest, you feel at home. For the last 4, 5 days, those people were my home. The only thing I fear, besides Pennys ghost stories, is that I may have pushed one of the people, wh o I consider one of the most important people there, and currently I think in my life, away. I'm not ready to let go.
My nose is bleeding for the first time in ages- a cause of thinking to hard and scratching at an itch too long. I remeber the days wheen the biggest worry you had was a nose bleed- now its more about friendships. I test mine a little, but apparently not enough. I want to make sure who Im with is there to stay. And the people I want to stay, arent always staying lately. I just don't feel ready to move on.
Shawn says that ghosts are just energies left over, trying to find a way to move on. But in all reality, isnt that all we are, alive?
Moochachos.
Why is it that when you try and keep someone close, or include them, you only get pushed away? Heaven forbid I care. Is there really something that annoyingly wrong about me? Or do I just have assholes for amigos. Either oor, I think I may stop trying, just to see who stays. The true friends should want to help and be around me, I shouldn't have to be the only one who tries.
Im just the jealous type. I always have been. When someone one-ups me on someones friend list, Im almost offended. I need to grow up and stop being such a baby about life. For gods sake, E, move on. Theres nothing worse then being stuck in the past- and you're doing it all over again. Relax. Let go. Stop trying so hard. Thats what scrwews you over to begin with.
Katie says that people have become more clique-ish lately, and although I always saw her point, I think its just becoming more and more evident to me as the time and days go by. Katie says we should all kind of step back and be a bit more open, but Brad says theres nothing wrong with having a group of people to hang out with. I understand both points, but I don't want to react to either when Im not sure on my own standing with those people in the group of friends.
Fuck, I have such low self confidence. Who really cares? Because I can't say myself that I want alot, or any. I can't feel comfortable talking about either, because of the friends issue above- nor do I like talking about anything going on with me. I think the second someone finds this blog will bne mortifying- maybe it'll be more relaxing and whatnot, but doubt it. I've got enough to hide, I don't feel like worrying about this aswell.
Im just the jealous type. I always have been. When someone one-ups me on someones friend list, Im almost offended. I need to grow up and stop being such a baby about life. For gods sake, E, move on. Theres nothing worse then being stuck in the past- and you're doing it all over again. Relax. Let go. Stop trying so hard. Thats what scrwews you over to begin with.
Katie says that people have become more clique-ish lately, and although I always saw her point, I think its just becoming more and more evident to me as the time and days go by. Katie says we should all kind of step back and be a bit more open, but Brad says theres nothing wrong with having a group of people to hang out with. I understand both points, but I don't want to react to either when Im not sure on my own standing with those people in the group of friends.
Fuck, I have such low self confidence. Who really cares? Because I can't say myself that I want alot, or any. I can't feel comfortable talking about either, because of the friends issue above- nor do I like talking about anything going on with me. I think the second someone finds this blog will bne mortifying- maybe it'll be more relaxing and whatnot, but doubt it. I've got enough to hide, I don't feel like worrying about this aswell.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Tonight, tonight.
Tonight.. I felt strongerInside of your wingsIt takes alot to get homebut its ok when the light is always on.
Tonight was the last night Im going to see and or talk to Tori for a month. As selfish as it may sound, I half wish she wasn't going to Paris. It'll be a great opertunity for her though, so Im happy for her. Happy and sad at the same time.
It seems lately that everyones falling apart. We're growing up and away from our clusters of friends, waiting to spread our wings and face our next challenges. Its times like these that I realise how fast I'm truely growing up. Next year is the last year of highschool- possibly the last year I'll ever see my current friends in a group again. We'll all move apart going our own ways to acheive our goals- and I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I don't think I've lived enough yet, and Im begining to recognize how aged I'm becoming.
It sounds stupid I'm sure- but as of now, at age 16, I feel like my times winding down to a halt. Odds are, im 1/5th done my existance on this planet, our massive spinning ball of dirt. Once my birthday hits in July, it'll be my last year before I'm considered an adult. An adult! That scares the hell out of me. I remeber being younger, thinking how old the 13 year olds were. Gods sake, I've aged. I'll look back next year and realise how small I am now, writing this, just like when I remeber when I was 15, how niave and young I was. How am I going to feel later on in life? 20 seems like a terrifying age right now! To make matters worse, I don't think I've truely lived yet either. This is going to be my last year being aloud to goof off- and I plan to.
This summer, I plan on having what I call my "Teenage Summer". Filled with steryotyped things of youth, all for the sakes of saying I did them. Temporarily dying my hair purple (wash out dye, but still). Running down the beach at 3am. Bonfires. Sleeping under the stars. Going on a picnic. Hell, I want to live- its my only chance! I cant do something like that in 10 years- its now or never.
4am and I'm up rambling. What the hell do I know.
Tonight was the last night Im going to see and or talk to Tori for a month. As selfish as it may sound, I half wish she wasn't going to Paris. It'll be a great opertunity for her though, so Im happy for her. Happy and sad at the same time.
It seems lately that everyones falling apart. We're growing up and away from our clusters of friends, waiting to spread our wings and face our next challenges. Its times like these that I realise how fast I'm truely growing up. Next year is the last year of highschool- possibly the last year I'll ever see my current friends in a group again. We'll all move apart going our own ways to acheive our goals- and I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I don't think I've lived enough yet, and Im begining to recognize how aged I'm becoming.
It sounds stupid I'm sure- but as of now, at age 16, I feel like my times winding down to a halt. Odds are, im 1/5th done my existance on this planet, our massive spinning ball of dirt. Once my birthday hits in July, it'll be my last year before I'm considered an adult. An adult! That scares the hell out of me. I remeber being younger, thinking how old the 13 year olds were. Gods sake, I've aged. I'll look back next year and realise how small I am now, writing this, just like when I remeber when I was 15, how niave and young I was. How am I going to feel later on in life? 20 seems like a terrifying age right now! To make matters worse, I don't think I've truely lived yet either. This is going to be my last year being aloud to goof off- and I plan to.
This summer, I plan on having what I call my "Teenage Summer". Filled with steryotyped things of youth, all for the sakes of saying I did them. Temporarily dying my hair purple (wash out dye, but still). Running down the beach at 3am. Bonfires. Sleeping under the stars. Going on a picnic. Hell, I want to live- its my only chance! I cant do something like that in 10 years- its now or never.
4am and I'm up rambling. What the hell do I know.
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