When you stole the car and drove towards Mexico.

I'm finally coming into my own self- obviously I have room to grow, but Im starting to feel more like.. me. It's a nice feeling, in a way. In another way, I keep thinking of how my life is about to conform into the every-man flow of life, and this is my tragic realisation. I will graduate. I will go to college/university to further my studies in my chosen field. I will get a job in that field. I will grow up, get married, have a house, have kids, send my kids to school so they can study for their future and keep the cycle going. It kind of bothers me that I'm aware of it, but I'd rather be aware then ignorant to the fact.

I'm not as afraid of growing up as I used to be, but to be honest with you, whoever the hell is reading this (myself, im sure. and if that's it, fine with me!), the thought is still kind of scary. I mean, I'm half way done my last highschool year. What the hell! I'm not sure I'm ready for the "real world". It's not the work load I'm worried about, more or less it's rejection. The last thing I want is to work my heart out for an application to a school and have them say "maybe next year, kid". It makes me really apprehensive to applying to NSCAD, the requirements don't scare me too much, its finishing them, have them be fabulous, and competing for placement with not only students who are much more talented then myself at fine arts, but professionals going back to school aswell. God, give me strength. Im not even that relgious- so if that doesn't show you something..

I've pretty much lost touch with Katie. I miss her, but at the same time we're not really pushing to stay connected either. Maybe im just having a bad day and am thinking this, maybe im on to something. I noticed going through old posts today that I was head on about some thigns and didnt even realise. Others, not so much. It's hard to know that for the last three years you considered a friend SO close, and now you don't even feel comfortable talking to them about things. I don't know. Maybe Im afraid of looking childish to someone I admire. Maybe I am childish. Maybe it's not worth the fight. Hell knows I'm going to try though. Jamie didn't really fight to keep our friendship, either. Some judge of character that was. I can't help but always feel let down on how I thought so well of him, and now he doesn't even speak to me unless a mutual friend is there. Maybe it's me. But I can say right now, for the most part, Im really happy. And I needed that.
Speaking of fall-outs. I haven't spoken to Pat since the breakup, or barely. I feel somewhat bad about it, and Id like for things to be on good terms, but really, I have no idea. He changed alot- smoking, drinking, getting drunk at lunch at school? or thats what he's told my friends. It's awful knowing that I probably played a role in that- he never did anything while we were together, besides a very rare drink.. but it's not my fault. I can't control him.

The last few days Ive been hanging out with Aaron since he's home. Its been so good to see him! We've been non-stop laughing and smiling, it's wonderful. I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way before. Im always happy, unless im worried about his health or something or that Ive hurt him, but we're always good. He makes me glow from the inside out. I absolutely love it.

Ive been doing alot of thinking lately- I had a conversation about sound, how it doesn't exist except in the brain, through nerves. It reminded me of the color conversation (my yellow looks like yellow to me, you see red but call it yellow). I'm reading "A Brave New World", too, so Im on my toes. I love conversations that make you actually think. I should read more!

I wish I had an excuse for being up, but I know its really because my sisters not home yet. I hope she's ok.. 2am, and she's still out. Thats so unlike her. Mom will have a heart attack if shes still gone in the morning without a phonecall.

Erika said a long time ago that maybe we aren't all friends. Maybe we're just pretending because we're all held so close together. I'm believing that more now then ever, the way some of us are falling, and how shitty a job we're doing keeping in touch over the holidays. Honestly, ive kept more in touch with Shawn and Taylor from art camp then some kids here- Shawn living an hour away, and Taylor 4. I guess sometimes you need to talk to people more then others. I guess some of us are just really good liars. Katie prided herself in it at times. Linds started trying to get away with things at the start of this year. I can hide things pretty well myself, sometimes. Friends forever, friends for now. There's a huge difference, and its about time to know where we stand.

what's so simple in the evening by the morning is so complicated.