When you stole the car and drove towards Mexico.

I'm finally coming into my own self- obviously I have room to grow, but Im starting to feel more like.. me. It's a nice feeling, in a way. In another way, I keep thinking of how my life is about to conform into the every-man flow of life, and this is my tragic realisation. I will graduate. I will go to college/university to further my studies in my chosen field. I will get a job in that field. I will grow up, get married, have a house, have kids, send my kids to school so they can study for their future and keep the cycle going. It kind of bothers me that I'm aware of it, but I'd rather be aware then ignorant to the fact.

I'm not as afraid of growing up as I used to be, but to be honest with you, whoever the hell is reading this (myself, im sure. and if that's it, fine with me!), the thought is still kind of scary. I mean, I'm half way done my last highschool year. What the hell! I'm not sure I'm ready for the "real world". It's not the work load I'm worried about, more or less it's rejection. The last thing I want is to work my heart out for an application to a school and have them say "maybe next year, kid". It makes me really apprehensive to applying to NSCAD, the requirements don't scare me too much, its finishing them, have them be fabulous, and competing for placement with not only students who are much more talented then myself at fine arts, but professionals going back to school aswell. God, give me strength. Im not even that relgious- so if that doesn't show you something..

I've pretty much lost touch with Katie. I miss her, but at the same time we're not really pushing to stay connected either. Maybe im just having a bad day and am thinking this, maybe im on to something. I noticed going through old posts today that I was head on about some thigns and didnt even realise. Others, not so much. It's hard to know that for the last three years you considered a friend SO close, and now you don't even feel comfortable talking to them about things. I don't know. Maybe Im afraid of looking childish to someone I admire. Maybe I am childish. Maybe it's not worth the fight. Hell knows I'm going to try though. Jamie didn't really fight to keep our friendship, either. Some judge of character that was. I can't help but always feel let down on how I thought so well of him, and now he doesn't even speak to me unless a mutual friend is there. Maybe it's me. But I can say right now, for the most part, Im really happy. And I needed that.
Speaking of fall-outs. I haven't spoken to Pat since the breakup, or barely. I feel somewhat bad about it, and Id like for things to be on good terms, but really, I have no idea. He changed alot- smoking, drinking, getting drunk at lunch at school? or thats what he's told my friends. It's awful knowing that I probably played a role in that- he never did anything while we were together, besides a very rare drink.. but it's not my fault. I can't control him.

The last few days Ive been hanging out with Aaron since he's home. Its been so good to see him! We've been non-stop laughing and smiling, it's wonderful. I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way before. Im always happy, unless im worried about his health or something or that Ive hurt him, but we're always good. He makes me glow from the inside out. I absolutely love it.

Ive been doing alot of thinking lately- I had a conversation about sound, how it doesn't exist except in the brain, through nerves. It reminded me of the color conversation (my yellow looks like yellow to me, you see red but call it yellow). I'm reading "A Brave New World", too, so Im on my toes. I love conversations that make you actually think. I should read more!

I wish I had an excuse for being up, but I know its really because my sisters not home yet. I hope she's ok.. 2am, and she's still out. Thats so unlike her. Mom will have a heart attack if shes still gone in the morning without a phonecall.

Erika said a long time ago that maybe we aren't all friends. Maybe we're just pretending because we're all held so close together. I'm believing that more now then ever, the way some of us are falling, and how shitty a job we're doing keeping in touch over the holidays. Honestly, ive kept more in touch with Shawn and Taylor from art camp then some kids here- Shawn living an hour away, and Taylor 4. I guess sometimes you need to talk to people more then others. I guess some of us are just really good liars. Katie prided herself in it at times. Linds started trying to get away with things at the start of this year. I can hide things pretty well myself, sometimes. Friends forever, friends for now. There's a huge difference, and its about time to know where we stand.

what's so simple in the evening by the morning is so complicated.

It was you that I was thinking of..

So, 24 hours ago, I was a bawling mess. Around midnight last night, Pat and I broke up. I had to end it because I wasnt happy, and that made him unhappy, which made me worse. So, as my first breakup, I have no idea how to react to how he didn't want to talk to me, to him wanting me to call him Monday. I need my space, and he's pushing me away further by doing that.
Anywhom. So im sitting there bawling, and you really don't realise who you really have until you need them. My friend Chris, who I would honestly never guess who would've helped me so much, talked me through the whole thing, and reassured me that if I wasn't happy with him, it was only going to get worse. He stayed up with me until 3am, just nattering back and fourth. It was really sweet! And ontop of that, Danielle was talking me through everything as it was happening and after it did, and she helped me so, so much. Best friends since grade 6, and no wonder. She took me under her wing, and she had to explain things to Pat for the zillionth time as I sat there crying. She took me out tonight, too, but I'll explain more in a bit.
Aaron and Jamie stayed up with me for the longest time talking to me, comforting and offering support. Jamie actually stayed up with me until I was ready to go sleep. Its amazing, I can tell those two anything. Aaron says its because of our anonyminity, because we have to take each other at face value without knowing any of the other persons past (well, at least thats what he says for he and I, and we dont know everything yet, anyway). Either way, the fact I met Aaron late June, and he's this close already and willing to stay up all night to comfort me means so much. Jamie has known me for less amount of time, too. I have amazing friends.
I also had comfort from Mom and Dad, clearly, Stephanie G, Ashley, Alyia, Joel, and Kaytie. Not to mention, Katie called me today long distance because I told her on Friday what almost happened. I guess she saw it coming too, but she saw it for weeks. I saw it for months.
So I sit there, and I realise how much people really genuinely care. Its truely one of lifes special little miracles.
Danielle took me out for a drive today. Katie had sent her a text to buy me icecream, so we go grab some Ben and Jerrys and eat it on the beach, laughing the whole time. Amazingly, I really think I'm fine, Im just worried about him. After we finish the icecream, we head down to the playground and meet up with Graeme and Aaron, and Alyson came later on. Lots of hugs, laughs, conversation. Love it. I really needed to get out of the house, Im glad I did with these 5.

So, another thing that relates to the title.. Ive had a slight crush for a few weeks now. And four nights ago they told me they liked me, but I was totally unable to say something back. Thats another reason for the breakup that nobody does, has, or needs to know. Anywho, I have no clue why Aarons so sweet to me, but he makes me feel incredible, and apparently I do the same for him. We're weird, and our face value thing.. it could very well be the sketchiest thing in the world, but I trust him right now. Here's hoping its for the best. The other night he said that i was "legitamitely beautiful", and tonight "the empitome of perfection". He keeps making me see the good things in myself, things Pat couldn't because he either tried too much, too late, or I just dont beleive him enough. Aars been more of a best friend lately then Pat anyway. and he listens. Too bad hes going to his first year of Uni at the end of the summer..

God I hate my teenage ramble.
Just needed it off my chest.

its like i wrote, every note, with my own fingers..

Boxing with the Stars

"We are terrible for each other, and yes- we're a disaster. But tell me your heart doesn't race for a hurricane or a burning building. I'd rather die terrified, then live forever."
I quite possibly think that the above quote is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. Its the empitome of relationships in a sense- or a relationship from the past, one that has yet to happen. Why is it we always want more out of relationships then just the thirll?
Maybe I'm a terrible person- but theres nothing more intreguing to me as human relationships. We all are so dependant on others that it's honestly impossible to take someone away from that and see them survive. I can be an addict for dramatics, but it always boils down to love with me. We all have the dramatic friend, the friend you talk to for advice, the friend you cry with (although you might not be able to immediately think of the name of the person: trust me, you have one).
But has anyone really stopped to think, we're just fragments of others lives? And our lives are fragments in the lives of others. If you took absolutely everyone you've ever met or had contact with, and mooshed all their knowledge together, you can see your life story.
What about those lonely thoughts though? The ones that swim alone in your head, never to be muttered. What about all those whispers from your concience telling you to go back to the city- to get lost in the crowd. Run away with love. Live like you'll never live again.
What about those thoughts that remind you of all the people you would hurt if you did exactly what you desire. What about how they'll piece together your life to find out why you left. What about the impact your absence would have on their life.
What about you.

Midnights on the boardwalk

Why is it that I feel more comfortable with almost strangers, then people I've known for years? Less judging- less pressure. More freedom, within its limits. Why is it I've been able to talk to boys lately, but not my girls?
I had an amazing night last night- I went to a local band show with my friends Graeme and Aaron. We were so casual, I lit things on fire and realised I was a pyro. We made really lame jokes, one about aaron dating a sheep, and just talked the night away. Teasing each other.
I feel way too comfortable curling up with my guy friends. Its probably not a good thing.
Fuck it.

Pat came over today, and I didnt realise I worry him so much. I need to shape up majorly.

Danielle and I better do something akward tommorow- I need a girl day. I love hanging with the boys a bit too much, and I havent seen her in ages.

What on earth is the Teenage Summer doing to me? Im loosing all my former ways, and Im starting to like it.

Ghost stories and nosebleeds

Around 24 hours ago, I was in a good place. Or I think I was. Wriggled up on a bed in a dorm room, with around 16 other people, talking about everything and anything thtat popped into our heads. The thunder and lightning was intense as Shawn and Penny told ghost stories, and the giggles and mix ups were superb during chinese telephone ("I want your grandmother to dunk her balls in my oriental salad"), the dumb nicknames ("Youre such a bum touch/ crotch sock/ dill hole/ mosseknuckle/ flum de slutnutch"). Nights like this should happen more often. That is what the teenage summer is all about.
I think the teenage summer needs to get back on track- I want my purple hair, my beach days- hell, I want my friends. My real friends. I want stupid jokes back. I want another 10 pm subway run with dirty jokes over everyones sub. I want to rewind and live it again.
Ok, so the teenage summer plan has no rule saying everything has to be perverted, but when you meet a group of strangers, all the same things in common and interest, you feel at home. For the last 4, 5 days, those people were my home. The only thing I fear, besides Pennys ghost stories, is that I may have pushed one of the people, wh o I consider one of the most important people there, and currently I think in my life, away. I'm not ready to let go.
My nose is bleeding for the first time in ages- a cause of thinking to hard and scratching at an itch too long. I remeber the days wheen the biggest worry you had was a nose bleed- now its more about friendships. I test mine a little, but apparently not enough. I want to make sure who Im with is there to stay. And the people I want to stay, arent always staying lately. I just don't feel ready to move on.
Shawn says that ghosts are just energies left over, trying to find a way to move on. But in all reality, isnt that all we are, alive?

Moochachos.

Why is it that when you try and keep someone close, or include them, you only get pushed away? Heaven forbid I care. Is there really something that annoyingly wrong about me? Or do I just have assholes for amigos. Either oor, I think I may stop trying, just to see who stays. The true friends should want to help and be around me, I shouldn't have to be the only one who tries.
Im just the jealous type. I always have been. When someone one-ups me on someones friend list, Im almost offended. I need to grow up and stop being such a baby about life. For gods sake, E, move on. Theres nothing worse then being stuck in the past- and you're doing it all over again. Relax. Let go. Stop trying so hard. Thats what scrwews you over to begin with.
Katie says that people have become more clique-ish lately, and although I always saw her point, I think its just becoming more and more evident to me as the time and days go by. Katie says we should all kind of step back and be a bit more open, but Brad says theres nothing wrong with having a group of people to hang out with. I understand both points, but I don't want to react to either when Im not sure on my own standing with those people in the group of friends.
Fuck, I have such low self confidence. Who really cares? Because I can't say myself that I want alot, or any. I can't feel comfortable talking about either, because of the friends issue above- nor do I like talking about anything going on with me. I think the second someone finds this blog will bne mortifying- maybe it'll be more relaxing and whatnot, but doubt it. I've got enough to hide, I don't feel like worrying about this aswell.

Tonight, tonight.

Tonight.. I felt strongerInside of your wingsIt takes alot to get homebut its ok when the light is always on.
Tonight was the last night Im going to see and or talk to Tori for a month. As selfish as it may sound, I half wish she wasn't going to Paris. It'll be a great opertunity for her though, so Im happy for her. Happy and sad at the same time.
It seems lately that everyones falling apart. We're growing up and away from our clusters of friends, waiting to spread our wings and face our next challenges. Its times like these that I realise how fast I'm truely growing up. Next year is the last year of highschool- possibly the last year I'll ever see my current friends in a group again. We'll all move apart going our own ways to acheive our goals- and I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I don't think I've lived enough yet, and Im begining to recognize how aged I'm becoming.
It sounds stupid I'm sure- but as of now, at age 16, I feel like my times winding down to a halt. Odds are, im 1/5th done my existance on this planet, our massive spinning ball of dirt. Once my birthday hits in July, it'll be my last year before I'm considered an adult. An adult! That scares the hell out of me. I remeber being younger, thinking how old the 13 year olds were. Gods sake, I've aged. I'll look back next year and realise how small I am now, writing this, just like when I remeber when I was 15, how niave and young I was. How am I going to feel later on in life? 20 seems like a terrifying age right now! To make matters worse, I don't think I've truely lived yet either. This is going to be my last year being aloud to goof off- and I plan to.
This summer, I plan on having what I call my "Teenage Summer". Filled with steryotyped things of youth, all for the sakes of saying I did them. Temporarily dying my hair purple (wash out dye, but still). Running down the beach at 3am. Bonfires. Sleeping under the stars. Going on a picnic. Hell, I want to live- its my only chance! I cant do something like that in 10 years- its now or never.
4am and I'm up rambling. What the hell do I know.